Kommand inspired by Imbolc of the Apophenia

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The Reject

The Reject Consistently I am rejected it is my lot to be dejected I can't be anything but me the reason I am so lonely You treat me like I carry lice just say goodbye, that would suffice leprosy is all you ever gave to me it's getting on my nerves everybody does the same fucking thing like that's what I deserve they shun me like the amish would now I can't shake this attitude I know the sound of closing doors The silent deadbolt I endure so shut me out you stupid fuck and may your door be welded shut leprosy is all you ever gave to me it's getting on my nerves everybody does the same fucking thing like that's what I deserve they all just turn their backs on me I'm left with this reality so banish me without a thought I'll be the man that you cannot it's not so easy to forget you but I know one thing, I'm not like you

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Comments

  • Oh, VIRAL! I have read that thread and can tell you, you are not alone in the world. My experiences are basically the same, even that I've been to psychiatry, too. (Just we didn't get numbers there.) But these patterns in relationships and beginnings of what could be relationships are things I also experience. The advice given to you is maybe not bad. I got something out of not taking it so seriously, just enjoying the fun when I have it. It's weird, just now there's a new flirt with a woman I find absolutely wonderful. Actually we took up the flirt again after she broke it off the way you know it some months ago. That is the first occasion when I made someone talk again afterwards. My doc said her behaviour is typical for people who are neurotic about relationships and that many women (a little more than men) have that today. He said, they suddenly get afraid of it all, and then prefer to continue anonymous city life. That helped me a lot. Feeling you are fooled or getting angry will not help at all. It would only make the "partner's" fear increase. Repetitive patterns in my life are something that struck me as well, which made me turn to Buddhism and "Life as a drama"-paradigms. If that's a good solution, I don't know. I don't know an explanation, really. One of those patterns in my life is, that every woman in my life has got something to do with psychiatry in one way or the other. The women I had the most problems with were young women whose father's had died early. I seemed to really attract them for a while, and it always ended painfully. I basically lack explanations for some of it. I can just say such things happen to other people, too.

  • Hmmm, maybe it is a curse of some sort, or more of a reaction. They label us, and deal with us accordingly.

  • When I dug into Samkhya philosophy a little, I encountered the theory that what is called karma are actually attributes or something like marks in the linga sarira, the subtle, not the physical body, that people react to subconsciously (to be realistic). Well, I grew up with a psychosomatic disease which I more or less got rid of. Improvement and transcending the patterns is possible with a lot of esoteric stuff. It's a long road, but is there an alternative?

  • I had problems in relationships for a long time. I mostly didn't have any. I was rather the one who would leave, though. Usually I just felt it is a wrong person. I sometimes also 'cut off' ex partners.What was making me not to pick up the phone, was that I knew they will try to convince me to be with them. I found really difficult breaking up. I always felt so sorry for my partner telling them it's over. I had to do it to be true to myself and honest with them. I wanted relationship but at the same time I just wasn't ready to open up. I did so to a wrong person few times as well. I think it takes time to work out what we really want from relationship, who are we compatible with and also what can we give to the other person.

    Lack of friends can be annoying, but I always think it's better to have no friends than have bad friends. The three years I spent in Scotland were very lonely. I couldn't find company, people to talk to. I spent most of time in nature, reading books. One time I decided to go for holidays (just few days in mountains) just on my own. I did that and I met lots of nice, random people. I enjoyed solitude and at the same time talk with some interesting individuals. It was lovely! I realised we are never alone.

    With jobs, well I'm not lucky too. The way I see it is I don't get on well with mangers and bosses, therefore I should be my own boss. It may not be the simplest thing to do, but in my case I don't have much choice.

    Advice from me is, don't let your experiences turn you bitter. Just enjoy your life as it is. Optimism works wonders.

  • I had problems in relationships for a long time. I mostly didn't have any. I was rather the one who would leave, though. Usually I just felt it is a wrong person. I sometimes also 'cut off' ex partners.What was making me not to pick up the phone, was that I knew they will try to convince me to be with them. I found really difficult breaking up. I always felt so sorry for my partner telling them it's over. I had to do it to be true to myself and honest with them. I wanted relationship but at the same time I just wasn't ready to open up. I did so to a wrong person few times as well. I think it takes time to work out what we really want from relationship, who are we compatible with and also what can we give to the other person.

    Lack of friends can be annoying, but I always think it's better to have no friends than have bad friends. The three years I spent in Scotland were very lonely. I couldn't find company, people to talk to. I spent most of time in nature, reading books. One time I decided to go for holidays (just few days in mountains) just on my own. I did that and I met lots of nice, random people. I enjoyed solitude and at the same time talk with some interesting individuals. It was lovely! I realised we are never alone.

    With jobs, well I'm not lucky too. The way I see it is I don't get on well with mangers and bosses, therefore I should be my own boss. It may not be the simplest thing to do, but in my case I don't have much choice.

    Advice from me is, don't let your experiences turn you bitter. Just enjoy your life as it is. Optimism works wonders.

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